To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”