To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!