I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?