@TwinSurvivalist: [Husband 911] Me: I just shattered the gravy boat. 911: She'll kill you. M: I know. 911: We never spoke. M: What? 911: Good luck * Click *

@ZackBornstein: Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

@fuzzlime: I'm so hungry I could eat an apple

@TheToddWilliams: KID: Where's grandma? DAD: She's in a better place now KID: Canada?

@TheBosha: Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU'RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.