@JohnLyonTweets: To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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@MandiAtRandom: Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog God please let it be a hotdog
@Lisabug74: Like prison, most don't learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
@unravelingfire: When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work.
@PinkCamoTO: Autocorrect just changed "I'm wise" to "I'm wide" so I should probably put down this donut.