@JohnLyonTweets: To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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@underchilde: I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
@dubiousrhetoric: KILLER [burying me alive]: ME: I appear to be in... grave danger. KILLER [calls the police]:
@ArfMeasures: BOSS: Why aren't these documents attached together? ME: Sorry I couldn't find my...[suddenly forgets the word stapler]...desk crocodile
@Real_Dick_Head: *gets first nose bleed since childhood* Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?