@JohnLyonTweets: To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
@socarolinesays: I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water
@stats_canada: 66% of Canadians were unimpressed with "The Revenant", or as it's known in Canada, "Pretty Average Day"
@sarcasm_inc: *The Terminator opens a fortune cookie. "It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way." John: I know it doesn't say that.