@KevinFarzad: To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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@_ethelbeavers: If you're pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I've got some very bad news for you about Jesus.
@gojarbe: [on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us