To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
CUTE CAT‼︎
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?