To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
You Might Also Like
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
this is 10/10 content no notes
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.