To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.