@peachesanscream: To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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@LindaInDisguise: The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
@ManiacallySound: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight. PATIENT: I'm not fat. I'm just big boned. DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?
@thepatrickwalsh: "Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.