To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
what?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.