[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Worth a try
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN