To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.