“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
my mom making me talk to relatives
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.