“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Still my favorite headline of all time:
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.