[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
You Might Also Like
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
United Steaks of America
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!