(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
You Might Also Like
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl