“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.