To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-