@BevisSimpson: To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want... Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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@carlyken: [Michael Bay directing] "WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK" Teacher: This is your son's 3rd grade play "Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS"
@TheMichaelRock: I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.
@Dutch_50: Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
@amishschool: My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.