To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese