@BevisSimpson: To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want... Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."
@Death_Buddy: You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.