To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Don’t touch that.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
prepare for carbonated trouble
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”