To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
You Might Also Like
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
time for some seasonal decor
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”