To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”