@amydillon: To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says "Don't worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains."
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@mamatomy3: Me: There is a small tree on fire. 911: Could you describe it? Me:Picture shrubbery...now picture it engulfed in flames.
@KateWhineHall: 10yo: You know that's not what they mean by exercise, right? Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
@Tmoney68: Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies. Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
@w00f_w00f: Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to "single". I fight with my parents, and don't change my status to "orphan".