To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
What’s a Messi?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Safety first
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.