To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
incredible text to wake up to
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.