To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I think about this a lot
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”