To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
You Might Also Like
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.