Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard