To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Looking at you, Jesus.