To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.