To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.