@SuchaDumbWorld: To my American friends: On Sunday, don't forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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@StellaRtwot: Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
@SortaBad: *walks into library* "Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?"
@TheRealNickKay: [MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Stay back! I'm an expert when it comes to karate!" *mugger approaches* Me: "Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands."