To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?