@tmoswole: To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.
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@SCbchbum: One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
@sweb74: Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he's really cute...
@Surhailo: Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
@Mr_Kapowski: My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in by reps