to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.