If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before