To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
You Might Also Like
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My brain is a bad influence on me
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
🤣😂
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.