TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa