TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.