@jonnysun: "to my son, i leave my bathroom scale" the lawyer sighs "because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five"
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@prontopup: Kristen Stewart is proof that if you're making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.
@_ElvishPresley_: [Obama giving Trump the White House tour] O: and here's the toaster, it tends to stick so don't be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
@jonnysun: imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts "why do u hav to socialize" "why dont u stay in" "loser"
@gato_fumando: i'll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man