Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
These work great until they don’t.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35