“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”