[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.