To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
is this a threat
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.