To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.