To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.