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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[montage of me giving-up]
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.