To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
good morning
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.