To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
You Might Also Like
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m awake but I object,
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[eats all your cotton candy]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”