To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.