[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
You Might Also Like
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.