To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN