@PaulyPeligroso: To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
@Reverend_Scott: That IS a banana in my pocket AND I'm happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
@shkeeber: 1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.