To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Meow?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.